Dealing with Doubt? Laugh at my pain…

So I am aware that i haven’t posted in forever and while I would like to make an excuse as to why I haven’t, the truth is that writing hadn’t been a priority for me lately. Writing was and is intended to be my outlet, my source of expression, my platform to communicate with the world what is happening deep within my being. I initially struggled with not knowing what approach to take when it came to my posts and honestly I had so many questions and so many doubts; What should I post? How often should I post? Who is my targeted audience? What material would they be interested in reading? What if they don’t like what I post? Will anyone even read my blog?  The list could go on and on.

This ongoing battle with the dragons of doubt among other things within has left me stagnant. This is not something I envisioned struggling with and yet it was. Preoccupied by stress and life, I had placed a halt on what is therapeutic to me. Needless to say, without writing I let everything build inside. Holding in had become so familiar until the dam walls began giving way.

One can only bottle things up for so long until the bottle becomes too heavy to bear. I have been in a relentless battle with my emotions. Struggling to express myself and rightfully so. The means through which I began to expressed myself became obsolete and bad things began to happen in a hurry.

This past weekend I decided to do something different and head out to the Brazos River. I decided that I needed to clear my head so I rented a kayak and braved the waters. Undoubtedly the best decision I have made for myself in a while, I learned some very interesting things about myself and about my life in general. The route was meant to take about 4 hours from beginning to end and you best believe i was excited to do it faster. The only thing i cared about in that moment was proving that I could get done in less than 4 hours so I was out on a mission. Halfway though the course I began to doubt myself. I began to question whether I was going the right way or not. I stopped rowing for a few minutes and did my best to try and spot others who might have been on the course too. I looked intently into the distance ahead and saw that no one was in sight. I looked back and to my astonishment, not a soul in sight there too. There weren’t any signs either, no directions and worse still I had no service on my phone so i slowly began to panic. “did I take the wrong turn?”, “Am I heading the right direction?”, “Am I lost?”

I took a deep breath in a bid to calm down and determined that the best thing for me to do was head back. It was me against the wilderness. “Here we go” i exclaimed, and so I began rowing back toward the last intersection i had passed through. As I approached the intersection, the current became so strong, against me, that I began to over compensate. I rowed harder and harder, inching my way closer. Slowly but surely I was making progress. The current became stronger and stronger and I kept telling myself “the Olympic rowers have nothing on me”. Next thing i know, I kid you not, My kayak flipped and there I was in the water. The paddle began floating away when I reached out and grabbed it. I looked at the kayak and It was completely submerged under water. Thankfully the water was only waist high so, grabbing the side of the kayak, I began to trek through the water towards the river bank.  I was so frustrated that i hastily yanked the kayak out of the water. I was so angry in that moment i just sat there for a minute and took several deep breaths. Thing is I had no one to be mad at but myself. Drenched in river water, I realized my wallet and phone were still in my pocket. What a day I thought. After getting the water out of the kayak, i decided i was going to give rowing upstream a break so i towed the kayak onto the grass and dragged it toward the intersection. “I’m doing too much” i thought.

I made my way to the intersection and finally dragged the kayak back into the water again. I decided to take the other turn and hoped I would see others along the way. It wasn’t long before my kayak came to a halt (the water became too low for the kayak to pass) when I realized that this surely couldn’t be the right way. After being convinced that i that I was going the wrong way earlier, i was convinced I was going the wrong way again.

To cut a long story short, it turns out that the first route I had taken was the correct one. Needless to say that i spent so much time and effort doubling back, flipped my kayak even, only to find out that i was on the right path to begin with. I really wanted to kick myself in the shin at this point and all i could think about was how lucky i am that no one was here to see or laugh at me.

I learnt something on the water though, something that i can honestly say has changed my outlook on so many things now. I learnt that even though others might not be on my path, it doesn’t necessarily mean that I am on the wrong path. There is no time to doubt or second guess myself because when I did, I end up in the water, frustrated and mad at no one other than myself, with my wallet drenched and my phone soaked. I can’t afford to second guess myself now. I’ve come too far to start trying to go backwards in life. Forward is the only place i’m headed. Onward to Victory.